Monday, April 19

High on Love

I haven't learned how to explain this well in a way people understand. They seem confused when I tell them that my divorce was one of the most spiritual experiences I've ever had. It was. I had countless, COUNTLESS tender mercies and miracles graciously given to me.

I think most of us are guilty from time to time questioning, "Why me?" when experiencing hardships but I didn't consider what I was going through hard at all. In fact, it was quite the opposite. And yet I still found myself questioning, why me? Why was my experience so seemingly easy when it seemed like so many other much better people suffer the consequences for so much longer? I felt guilty for feeling so happy. I was embarrassed to talk to people who I knew had had tougher experiences. I even went to our marriage counselor asking him what was wrong with me, why hadn't this process been harder, was there something I was missing? He told me that there are quite a few who feel similarly, like a huge weight has been lifted off their shoulders.

For me it wasn't really like a weight had been lifted. It was more like a weight had been lifted and I had been shot up 10,000 feet into the air and now was walking on clouds. Don't get me wrong, I don't think there is a divorce out there that can be called easy or consequence-less. There have been many painful moments and hard lessons to learn that I continue to experience because of the divorce. But during this time, I had never before felt closer to God or more secure in my relationship with him. I felt protected. I felt strengthened. I felt like he had picked me up off the downtrodden thorn-and-thistle-filled earth, cradled me in his arms and was holding me like a baby.

When life feels that good especially when you're expecting the complete opposite, it's hard not to expect things to quickly take a downturn. But I soon forced myself to stop anticipating the hard parts, the consequences that would certainly start to show face, and the grieving process to begin and to just freely receive all the blessings I was getting.

The lesson:
It hit me as I was brushing my teeth one morning. You would've laughed had you walked by my bathroom seeing my mouth full of toothpaste foam with a huge smile and tears streaming down my face.

Some time ago I had erroneously learned that love was something you needed to work for. Something as good as real love could not possibly come without a whole lotta effort. I had also learned that life was given to us to learn and grow and I found that the majority of my growth happened during difficult times. So I liked difficult times because I knew they would most likely make a better person out of me. But that morning brushing my teeth thinking about all the love I had felt over the previous 6 months, I realized that Heavenly Father was teaching me a couple more things:

1. Life is not only about learning but also about loving--both in the giving and receiving of it. I didn't need to constantly struggle in order to feel like I was living.

2. I didn't have to work for love. I didn't have to prove to be someone strong or smart or beautiful or exactly obedient in order to earn love. That this love I had been feeling wasn't a temporary benefit from being faithful or serving a mission or from any other spiritual achievement. This was His unconditional, LASTING love--free of charge. A love that existed before I could even walk or talk and a love that has always been there, waiting for me to accept it.

I know many people have given me unconditional love but until this point, I don't think I had ever learned to receive it as freely as it had been given to me. The lesson couldn't have come at a more perfect time as I stumbled wandering trying to regain my footing, needing to hold onto something steady like the absolute love from a perfect parent.


Katie said...

Kelly, you are an inspiration. Thanks for sharing your feelings as of late. I appreciate the insight into your heart as I often wonder how you are doing. You are an amazing person and a totally awesome friend. I love you!

Jodi said...

I have just started reading your blog again, and didn't realize you had been through so much. I agree with Katie, you are an inspiration! I always felt love and happiness being around you! I am glad you can feel of that love, because you definitley deserve it!

corrine said...

kelly i love this and i love your blog. i'm so glad i read this today! thank you for sharing :)