Monday, August 22

My Break-Up Playlist

I've noticed a huge change in the older singles' dating scene since last General Conference and I think we've got a good thing going: Seems like everyone is either getting engaged and married or breaking up as opposed to last year when everyone just dated around--the word commitment was a 4-letter word. Even all the breaking up means at least people are giving a real effort in trying to find someone to marry. Still, breaking up isn't easy. Especially if you don't have much closure.

I recently went through a difficult breakup (redundant, I know). I definitely have unanswered questions. I still have things to say. Though I think I understand the events leading to the breakup, it's still confusing and I'm certainly not comfortable with how things ended. But there's not much I can do at this point. I can just let myself feel. I can allow myself to grieve. I can learn from mistakes. I can forgive for hurt and heartaches. I can pick up the pieces of my broken heart and mend it once again. My heart will be a little stronger but I will not make it unbreakable. I refuse to let one broken heart prevent me from getting another one. What's on the other side of a broken heart is much too good to risk missing out on. I will be wiser in my choices as far as who I trust with my heart but I won't be any less open to loving again.

There's something about music that allows me to feel. Sometimes it's pain, sometimes it's regret. Sometimes it's peace, courage and empowerment. Regardless, until closure comes, it's validating to know that I'm not the only one who's felt this way. Here's what's been playing on my iPod:

1. Heartbroken - Meaghan Smith
What's the use in fixing what will only break again?

2. Don't You Forget About Me - Enrique Iglesias
Don't you forget about me baby, someday you'll turn around and ask me, why did I let you go?

3. Smile - Glee Cast
Smile though your heart is aching, smile, even though it's breaking... if you smile through your pain and sorrow, smile and maybe tomorrow you'll see the sun come shining through for you.

4. I Wish the Best for You - Emerson Hart
Life gets so confusing when you know what you're losing.

5. Detroit Waves - Matt Nathanson
So, we let it go to start again... If I could change, believe me I would... Detroit waves goodnight.

6. Miss Me - Andy Grammer
Set me up for the falling, gave me no warning you were gone... I believe in my heart when something's wrong, say it's wrong. I can deal with the part when something's wrong if we both stay strong.

7. Love How It Hurts - Scouting for Girls
I've been waiting all my life for someone like you... someone who'll love me the way I loved you. I keep searching and what's worse, now that you're gone, all that's left is the hurt.

8. Rolling in the Deep - Adele
The scars of your love remind me of us, they keep me thinking that we almost had it all.

9. Better in Time - Leona Lewis
See somehow I can't forget you after all that we've been through... Thought I couldn't live without you. It's gonna hurt when it heals too... Even though I really love you I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to. It'll all get better in time.

10. Cannonball - Damien Rice
There's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth, there's still a little bit of you laced with my doubt. It's still a little hard to say what's going on.

11. Breathe Again - Sara Bareilles
Now I'm not the only one facing the ghosts that decide if the fire inside still burns... And the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view. Hang my head, break my heart built from all I have torn apart.

12. Every Little Thing - Dishwalla
I wish I could be every thing you wanted all the time... Don't give me up tonight or soon nothing will be right at all.

13. You Could Be Happy - Snow Patrol
And all the things I wish I had not said are played in loops til it's madness in my head. Is it too late to remind you how we were? Most of what I remember makes me sure I shoulda stopped you from walking out the door... You made me happier than I had been by far.

14. I'm Movin' On - Rascal Flatts
I've dealt with my ghosts and faced all my demons, finally content with a past I regret. I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness, for once I'm at peace with myself... I've been trapped in the past for too long. I'm movin' on.

15. Let the Rain - Sara Bareilles
I want to change my mind, I want to be enough, I want the water in my eyes, I want to cry until the end of time. Let the rain come down, make a brand new ground.

16. Distance - Christina Perri
Please don't stand so close to me I'm having trouble breathing. I'm afraid of what you'll see right now. I give you everything I am, all my broken heartbeats until I know you'll understand. And I will make sure to keep my distance, say "I love you" when you're not listening... And I keep waiting for you to take me.

17. The Promise - Tracy Chapman
If you think of me, if you miss me once in awhile, then I'll return to you and fill that space in your heart. Remembering your touch, your kiss, your warm embrace, I'll find my way back to you if you'll be waiting... I've longed for you and I have desired to see your face, your smile, to be with you wherever you are.

Friday, February 25

Returning to Eat, Pray, Love

I have a friend who's going to Thailand to take a meditation course for 3 weeks. I'm a little jealous. It reminded me of how much I loved the book Eat, Pray, Love and how it inspired me in so many ways. Here are some of my favorite quotes:

On Happiness and Choice:
"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."

"There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts."

"You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control."

On the Downside of Being an Optimist:
"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."

On Loneliness:
"When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings."

On Broken Hearts :
"Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be."

"This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something. "

"In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place."

"People always fall in love with the most perfect aspects of each other’s personalities. Who wouldn’t? Anybody can love the most wonderful parts of another person. But that’s not the clever trick. The really clever trick is this: Can you accept the flaws? Can you look at your partner’s faults honestly and say, ‘I can work around that. I can make something out of it.’? Because the good stuff is always going to be there, and it’s always going to pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you."

"Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never dared to admit you wanted-an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with a hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is withheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy, and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore-- despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free). Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbors just to have 'that thing' even one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. He looks at you like you're someone he's never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is,you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You're a pathetic mess, unrecognizable even to your own eyes. So that's it. You have now reached infatuation's final destination-- the complete and merciless devaluation of self."

On Soul Mates:
"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master."

On Prayer and Faith:
"Prayer is a relationship; half the job is mine. If I want transformation, but can't even be bothered to articulate what, exactly, I'm aiming for, how will it ever occur? Half the benefit of prayer is in the asking itself, in the offering of a clearly posed and well-considered intention. If you don't have this, all your pleas and desires are boneless, floppy, inert; they swirl at your feet in a cold fog and never lift."

"Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be... a prudent insurance policy."

On What God Says to You:
"I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long. I will stay with you. If you need the medication again, go ahead and take it—I will love you through that, as well. If you don’t need the medication, I will love you, too. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me. "